It’s important not to let the situation fester for a long time without talking about it. Be honest and up-front about how difficult it is for you to discuss it—and then start talking. The longer you wait, the more opportunity there will be for bad feelings to develop.
This happened to Walt, a field supervisor for a large private utility, and Becky, his wife of 20 years, who ran her own crafts business. They were a happy couple with three children in high school. Walt, a muscular, physically-fit man spent his free time on family activities and kept his small farm running smoothly. Sex was very important to him, and he took pride in the fact that he and his wife had an active, satisfying sexual relationship. Walt was the kind of man who never was sick, but after his
42nd birthday he developed a severe infection in his bladder. Excruciating pain forced him to go to the doctor, but the infection proved stubborn and remarkably resistant to treatment. In rare cases, such a condition can infect a testicle, and that’s what happened to Walt. Although he was given an antibiotic that ultimately cleared up the bladder infection, the infected testicle could not be saved and had to be surgically removed.
The removal of just one testicle does not affect a man’s ability to have an erection, or reduce his chances of fathering a child. The other testicle simply picks up the testosterone-producing and sperm-manufacturing functions of the missing organ.
But for Walt, who took such pride in the appearance of his body, losing one testicle was an enormous shock. Physically, he recovered from the operation, but he was beset with anxiety and fear. Walt felt that a vital and essential part of himself was missing. For the first time in his life, this man began to have trouble maintaining an erection. When Walt started to have intercourse, his erection would disappear.
Becky was totally unprepared for this turn of events. Sometimes she became very disappointed when Walt lost his erection while she was sexually aroused. She didn’t understand the reasons for the sudden change in her husband (neither did he), and sometimes she became angry.
Even now, several years later, Walt becomes upset when he remembers what happened. “My erections went away overnight.” He became more and more troubled and increasingly fearful of trying to have intercourse.
This was an enormous and painful change for Walt and Becky, who considered sex a major and important part of their relationship. But even though the problem continued, they didn’t talk about it. Instead, Walt put his energies into avoiding sex— and his wife. He put in long hours at work, and when he was home became extremely creative in finding reasons to stay away from Becky. “I didn’t want to start anything I couldn’t finish,” he says,
It seems clear from Walt’s story that his erection problem was psychological, not physical. When his anxieties about the loss of his testicle first surfaced, he could have been helped by some intensive, short-term counseling aimed at reassuring him that he was just as capable of having an erection as he ever had been. Perhaps Walt needed to mourn the loss of a part of his body that was important to him. He also could have had his missing testicle replaced by a lifelike artificial one which would have given him the appearance he valued so highly.
But unfortunately, Walt did not seek out and did not receive help. And neither did Becky. In fact, they went for three years without consulting anyone. That’s a long time to go without sex, and Becky and Walt were living together without physical affection of any kind, without much warmth or tenderness and with limited communication.
Going into the fourth year of the problem, Walt finally mentioned it to his family doctor. By then, however, the damage to the marriage was irreparable. Although Walt ultimately was able to regain his potency, he and Becky separated.
Even now it is difficult for Walt to talk about his experience. “My wife is a good woman,” he says with apparent pain. “But she couldn’t put up with my problems. If I had to do it over again, I’d get help sooner,” That’s good advice from someone who knows.
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